I had a good long talk to my GP

I had a good long talk to my GP regarding my upcoming MHTP. Baring's one soul and life is an exhausting process. I had Wing there, with the pre-warning to NOT take any of it personally.

After explaining childhood, and how I was treated and raised, it was surprising I'm as well adjusted as I am (that should clue you to the f**ked up childhood I had). I told him about my 6+ month drunk I went on after my sister died, and how after one morning, I woke up with a pounding head, a nasty taste in my mouth, and my sister was still dead... and I just stopped. I took alternating hot and cold showers, up-ended the booze bottles into the sink and just stopped.

Took me a few days to feel entirely human, but I managed it. Dr H said it showed just what a strong personality, and person I was, and I have a very good chance of beating this.

I talked about how I felt guilty, angry, and then guilty for being angry regarding Wing. Guilty because of all he has had to take on that I can't do, then angry because and I can't do it, and the depression part of my brain tells me he showing off, then guilty for thinking that. It's truly a vicious cycle.

So, Ignore the feelings, and think: Is it really a good idea for me to be handling sharp cooking knives, or being around boiling water at this time? Oh HELL no, so THANK you Wing for doing the cooking. (this is just one example)

I have been giving, and been using, tools and methods to put the brakes on the cycle. Doesn't always work, but of often enough to make a difference.

#depression