55 minutes and one day later

It was a very deep, gut punch session with D.  She did say that it's very common for people who are depressed to get worse. The challenge for me is how much worse.

I told her this Helliday season was the worst since the year I became an only child, because at least I had my family around me, and did feel as if I was alone in a crowd, as I felt this year.  Wing apologized for me not being happy. It's not his job to do that, and it's what's going on in me, not him. 

I talked with Alan over lunch, and it felt good to talk to member of the family, without judgment.  No one saying "Oh, you just got the blues."

Yeah, Alan really loves me.

I know, odd preamble to a post. I'm getting new glasses, but until I get them, I tend to close my left eye, and watch a movie, or show on the right monitor. So, I was in my chair, watching a show, left eye closed, and Wing comes to the door, which is to my left. I could hear him back away slowly.

A short while later, I paused the show, went out to the kitchen and told Wing that I was awake, and told him I was awake. He said it looked like I was asleep. Alan said it's easy to tell the difference. If I wasn't snoring, I was awake.

Yeah, Alan really loves me.

If it's not one thing, it's another

Where do I start...  keeping up with exercise therapist. Even though my left leg has altered sensation, the equipment being used, a reformer aka pilates machine, makes the muscles in that leg work, even if I can't feel it.  The flaccid, or what used to be flaccid, muscle on the inside thigh just above the knee joint, is starting to resemble the one on my right leg.  Also getting muscle tone in the leg, too. I am usually lamed for a few days afterward.

 
Onto the foot issue: enthesopathy of the plantar fascia.  I can't just have plain ol' normal plantar fasciitis, I have to have the more annoying/difficult one to treat.  Tried taping the foot, and yeah, that did feel better, but can't keep the foot taped forever. Targeted physio exercises weren't helping either.  Saw one podiatrist, and am now wearing 'cushion neutral' shoes. Also, am getting ultrasound shockwave treatment to the heel, itself. Not an entirely pleasant experience, ranging from uncomfortable to painful.  I get to go back next week, and the week following.

Onward: I have manage to vertically fracture my back molar... the same molar I had the root canal. The same molar that holds my bridge.  *sigh*  The back molar and the root splinters/shards have to come out, and I have to have the bridge removed, as the tooth that holds the front of the bridge would get damaged. So, I lose two teeth.  The dentist smoothed the sharp edges that was cutting my cheek and tongue, put a temporary patch.  When things settle down*, I will go in and sacrifice my bridge. (*aka no more 3+ doctor/physio appointments during the week. When it's just one a week, I will go in to have the deed done.)

Saw counselor. I'm a hot mess, but not as bad a hot mess that I was when we first started.  There is something that we discuss, something that keeps circling my thoughts. Good thing my wretched body from the knees down can't comply to those thoughts.

Family is fine, even those in the U.S.  I'm pretty safe where I am.  W.A. Premier believes in science, isn't ignoring or making the doctors information a political challenge. Bored as all hell, but well.

Flotsam, Jetsam and what not

The Covid-19 self isolation/Quarantine has had little or no impact on my life. Who knew that my life has been 'self isolation' since last year? 

Family: All is well! No one sick, no one hurt. Everyone is bored out of their skulls.. well, I'm not totally bored. VR headset is rather entertaining.

My heel, while the foot was taped, was feeling pretty good in the shoes the podiatrist told me to get.  Then, the tape came off, and the right shoe is too big. If I had a lot of money, I'd buy one pair size 9 for the right shoe, and one pair size 9 1/2 for the left shoe. I've tried a few things, with so so results, to stop the shoe from sliding up and down on the back of my heel, and not tied so tight my foot goes numb. Tried wearing thin sport sock under the regular sock, and felt ok at first, but my foot started going numb, no matter how I loosened the laces. Will have to talk to podiatrist, and physio regarding this problem. Am seeing Dr S (osteo surgeon) tomorrow. Will see what he had to say on the matter.

The padding on my chair seat is squished down to the point it feels like I'm sitting on just the frame. Went to Clark Rubber and got a square of memory foam.  It's pretty good, although it does need a bit of beveling on the front edge. It's currently residing in an old, by clean, t-shirt. My butt takes me for the cushioning. :D

Have to say stress levels are rather high. Health issue, and family issues. Wing working from home meaning we had to tiptoe around the house because he was video conferencing, or on a phone call. That also meant no vacuuming, and hoping the washing machine didn't have an unbalanced load. Thankfully, he's back to the office.

The child my eldest put up for adoption got in contact with her father, my son, last year. She got in touch with me earlier this year.  It was great to hear from her.  She is everything a 20 something young woman can be.  Unfortunately she comes with so heavy emotional baggage that I am unable to help her with sorting out.  I've been umm stressed from what she related to me. Stress, for me, causes hemi-dystonic seizures.  I really don't want to zombie myself by going back to three doses a day.  Yes, she is my grand child, but I can't deal with this right now. She is too needy, and clingy.  I'm currently seeing counselor, and that last thing I need is to take on someone else's problems at this time.

My Memorial to Jared Johnson.

My Memorial to Jared Johnson​

I first met Jared, almost 28 years ago, when he was, 17, and the sys-op of "The Cat's Meow" BBS.  His handle was RedWolf.  Despite our age differences, we did become great friends.  He and my oldest son, Paul, were very close, more like brothers than just friends.  Alan, my youngest son, called him Uncle Jared.

This friendship held true. When Paul went to CT for vacation, Jared was the one that picked him up at the bus station. And Jared was there again, when Paul moved back up to Connecticut. Jared was there for me when I left an abusive husband.

I moved to NY, and was doing ok, until an injury and job loss threw everything into a tail spin. Because I had no income, I had eviction proceedings, and the state of NY were circling to take Alan away because I would have no home, no food. I made a frantic phone call. Paul and Jared came to NY and picked Alan up and brought him to where his brother lived with Jared, in CT. Those social workers were pissed off because I told them Alan was with his brother. They demanded to know what his name was and where he was. I replied "Paul is an adult, 19 years old, and Alan's legal guardian if in case of my not being able to care for him. I know if you got your hooks into him, it would be a cold chance in hell for me get to him back." Yeah, they were pissed off.

After I got myself squared away, we kept in touch over Yahoo, ICQ and AIM all the time.. well, spare time.

Even when I moved to Australia, we retained that contact. Then AIM vanished, and ICQ for all intents and purposes cacked it, too. Skype came in handy, but the time difference made for interesting schedules for calls.

So, there was Facebook posts, Yahoo (until they shut down)  and  FB Messenger. He never once mentioned he was ill. Not once. I'm of two minds about that; one, that I wouldn't have been able to do anything to help, and two, I would have moved heaven and earth to see him before left us. Paul said I'm better off remembering him the way he was, in the photo I have of him.

And with much tears, typing through 'salty goggles', is the synopsis of my friendship with Jared. I loved him dearly, as if he were one of my own. My original "Un-Son". I will miss his kindness, his sensitivity, his sense of humor. The world is a less bright place without him here.

Be at peace.

And the hits just keep coming

Jared Johnson, my original Un-Son, who was one of the most gentle, kind, selfless beings to walk the planet, passed away yesterday from esophageal cancer. Paul, my eldest son, contacted me and told me about his passing. He got to see Jared before he died, and got to talk to him. Jared was ready, he was tired.   He was only 44.  He was so selfless, and didn't want anyone to worry,  he didn't let anyone know he was ill, and right until last week was posting cute and funny things on Facebook. To say I am gutted would be an understatement.   I only have one photograph of him, and that is how I will always remember him. Human slave to cats, and a very kind and loving human being.

I will miss him forever.

Almost 8 years worth

I have 8 years worth of emails, photos, correspondence from my dad. I never delete anything from family. I might have lost a few due to hard drive failures, and caught between back ups, but I have most of them. I have been going through them, and it's a sad/happy/sad feeling because as much as many of them make me smile, I know there will be no more, and then the grief comes.

The distance, and not having the daily seeing of someone, lessened the initial grief, but I have found the last few days it's hit me in larger and larger waves.

Dad's funeral

 

Actually, no funeral.  He has been cremated already.  No flowers, but if you wish to honor him, make a donation to a local animal shelter in his name. 

City of Live Oak: Shelter animals need good homes

He is going to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery, full military honors. 

I can't tell you how much I do NOT want that orange idiot attending or officiating. Draft dodger Donald is not welcome, not by a long shot.

RIP Dad

Richard E Tomac, aka Pop aka Dad, passed away Friday, July 7th, 2017. 

So, so, conflicted as to how I feel. Very sad that he is gone, but relieved that he is no longer suffering. 

Cancer really really sucks.

No changes for the better

Called my mother.  Step-father is still hanging in there.  This really isn't what you can call a good thing, as there is no chance of recovery here. Do NOT give me any malarkey about miracles.  They have jokingly saying he's waiting for the 4th of July.  He's always loved fireworks.

No matter how much you know what's coming, there is no easy way to handle it, is there?  I'm still having trouble processing it, as he was always such a strong force of nature.  Seemed unstoppable. 

Of all things, I am glad I mended fences years ago.  As heartbreaking as what our family is going through now, regret would have just eaten away at me had I not just let go of anger and hurt, and just moved on.

Cancer still fucking sucks.

The news no one wants

As much as a gut punch the news was, I would rather be informed than get blind sided.  Cancer fucking sucks.

It came back with a vengeance. My stepfather is in hospice, palliative care only.  He has made the decision of pain management only, no feeding tubes, no machines, no heroic measures.

I'm.. confused at how I feel.

Part of me is 'dad is dying', and it's a kick to the gut.  He was the ONLY one who comforted me when my sister died, at the wake.  If it hadn't been for him, I would have lost my eldest son to drowning, and not have 4 beautiful grandchildren.

The other part... angry that he's giving in, because my mother, although with a few creaking joints, is in good health, she needs him.  I know she is a tough old gal, but she needs him.

Yet another part is relieved because I know he's been fighting cancer for decades and he is TIRED.  So very tired. And he deserves to rest on his own terms.

Cancer fucking sucks.

My timing can be diabolical

While Wing  and I were meandering back to the hotel after visiting the Sea Life Sydney Aquarium. He would stop to take some street shots, I would do the same but elsewhere. To save some wear and tear on my right knee, I walked to the elevator to take it up to stories to the boardwalk.

Wing walked up the stairs, and he must have done it after I had gotten on the elevator and didn't see what i had done.

The doors silently opened, and I step out, silently, saw he was tapping out a text message.  I knew it was a "Where B U?" to me.

Before he hit send, I said "I'm right here."

He said "OH JEEZUS!!" and jumped back.

Dear Mr Rafael Cruz Jr.. pull your head out of..

Whatever ditch or orifice you have it.

You were asked about how the GOP is cutting off women's access to birth control, and your comments were not only dismissive, but self centered.  You went on and on about how YOU and other MEN had condoms to use.

Hello?  Women.. birth control. Or are you saying that only men can and should have the option of engendering children or not? That women can't decide to NOT get pregnant and take steps to prevent it?

Had a bit of validation

Wing is now in the process of going through the flu I had.

He has the aches and chills, along with the cough. I walked into the bedroom, he looked up at me and in a croaky voice asked "How did you survive this?"

I'm feeling better, but no where near the 'all better' stage.  Keito is on the mend... miffed because we won't take the 'Cone of Shame' off, or let him outside.  He'll get over it.

Didn't sleep too well

And not overly surprised at that. My son was taken to the hospital early yesterday morning, before 6am, in extreme abdominal pain. No, not gall stones, not appendicitis, so any keyboard diagnosticians take a break.  Spent almost the entire day with Alan in the ER and then hospital ward. 

After being awake for over 20 hours, I come home and find some really rancorous comments from RWNJs that think they're being witty because they look at the header of my weblog, and stupidly assume it's referring to my mental health.  No, it's a bit of prose from a book about arguing with oneself and choices, and how close we come to making wrong decisions. Literacy is great, and when you see it fail, it can be either amusing or sad.

This time, it just pissed me off. I don't mind disagreements, but when you take it to personal attacks, all your comments have lost any merit you thought they might have had.

Now pardon me, while I go back to waiting. 

Oh, and in case you think I'm bullshitting/lying :

My son Alan, at Fiona Stanley Hospital, letting concerned friends know he's 'okay', taken yesterday afternoon

Now fuck off.

The end of 2014

I keep thinking about this past year. All the ups and downs, meeting new friends, keeping in touch with not so new friends. The trips, the vacations, the photo gear.

And when I think about all of that, it pales in comparison to the one thing that happened later in this year.

After 4 years of no contact, my oldest son, Paul sent me an SOS. And in that instant the 4 years of no contact evaporated. We talked for hours, and it was as if none of those empty 4 years existed.

A wound my heart had is gone. I no longer think of Paul, Collin, Jason, Joey and Bella with sadness. I smile now.

So, for everything that I got or happened this year, my favorite event was  "Mom, can you call. I need you."

Today is the first day

That I have spoken to my eldest son, Paul, in quite some time.  It wasn't for the best of reasons, but I don't care.  He is going through a rough patch, (not of his making) and family is family.  I've missed him, and I told him as much. 

But then I did something even more important; I listened.  I let him pour it all out to me, no judgment and only offered advise and my opinion when I was asked for it.  He knew that if I thought for an instant that he was in the wrong, I would have landed on him (verbally) with both feet.

That wasn't the case.

And I'm still here to listen.

Finally back to the archery range

First time in months. Between Aikidomayland's business trips, illness, injuries and WorldCon, we have been away for a few months. Still good to know that I can land the majority of my shots in the gold. But we do have to examine some of the arrows. Lost an arrowhead in one of the targets because the glue is just dried with age. It will give Aikidomayland something to keep him busy.

Well well well

The only thing on the MISTAKES website about refunds is if you cancel at the last minute, you only get 75% of your fee back.

I have taken time stamped screencaps and used Scrapbook to archive the pages. And with the experience Wing and at least one other person (if not two) went through, breach of contract is the least of the abrogations.

Our photography seminars and Photoshop workshops cover the core fundamentals through to imaging as a career, if you want to go that far.

The only thing you need is a desire to learn and have fun—our photography training will take care of the rest. The ********* ******** ****** is designed to give you all the information you need while allowing plenty of shooting opportunities to help you grow your skills quickly.

Many of our courses are practical sessions with a model giving you a great environment to take images and get immediate feedback. It all helps to make your learning fast, friendly and most of all, fun!

1: This course was not for beginners as stated, but for more advanced photographers. No 'core fundamentals' were taught, jumped right into advance full manual photography
2: Not given the info needed
3: Not many shooting opportunities as quick crappy snapshots in quick succession is NOT shooting opportunities.
4: No feedback given.
5: Environment was hostile and as far from fun for the beginners as possible.

No where in the description does it say "teacher will ridicule you for your choice of camera, or tell you how you should be spending your money on things other than what he deems as the proper cameras (his comment about Wing's tattoo)".

I want to tell this guy "You so f**ked over the wrong person."

This is why I know

A certain photography 'instructor' was only there to show off teacher's pet and to earn a quick 3k on the day.

Aikidomayland called, emailed and discussed much with the Instructor aka from now on the MISTAKE, the kind of camera he had, the level of novice he was the whole shebang. Mistake told him that would be just fine.

When Aikidomayland arrived, the MISTAKE looked at the Lumix, declared he didn't like it, and maybe if Aikidomayland didn't spend money on tattoos he could have gotten a 'proper' camera, and then the Mistake pretty much ignored him for the rest of the shoot, with the exceptions of a few snide comments aimed at those who he deemed unworthy by virtue of not having a Canon 5D or a high end Nikon. The only thing the Mistake said to Aikidomayland is that his photos looked too yellow in the preview screen. If the Mistake had taken just 30 seconds to look at the camera menu, he would have noticed that:

A: The color was set to VIVID
B: The Noise Reduction was set to HIGH

All this also would have been easily remedied if the MISTAKE had actually taken the SD card and looked at the RAW photos on a big screen. But, remember, the MISTAKE stated he didn't like the camera, and therefore deemed it not worth any of his time. And he pretty much treated Aikidomayland in that manner too.

I really wish I had been there. The nano his bull about cameras other than his precious worthies were useless, I would have said "Dude, your ass is sucking swamp water." If he had said to me that "Program mode is exactly like full Auto mode", I would have asked him if his head was up his ass.

Aikidomayland will be calling the consumer protection, as this course was advertised for BEGINNERS, and it was clearly for intermediate - advanced. It didn't say that three of the attendees would be the target of the MISTAKE's derision and ridicule, and then totally ignored. Example: his commenting about Aikidomayland not spending money on tattoo so he could 'afford' a better camera, berating another person for having a mint condition Canon Digital Rebel300 XT that was old and she should get rid of it, and picking on one woman because she was late in arrival because she wasn't from around there and she got lost.

Aikidomayland will also be calling to ask for a refund, even though the site says NO REFUNDS, he didn't get what he paid for, it wasn't as described, and the service was at the very least faulty. As many have pointed out, just because someone states NO REFUNDS doesn't mean he can get away with shoddy service and not expect his ripped off clients to not want or get their money back.


I wouldn't recommend this MISTAKE to anyone, whether for photo shoot, or for instructing, for in my own personal opinion (and a few others too) he is an asshat.