Back, I say, back!

I have beaten the black beast of depression back a bit.  The hellidays being over had helped immensely.  I still have depression, and seeing the appropriate people regarding it, but it doesn't feel like it's on a runaway, downhill rollercoaster ride to hell. 

I've been taking a little time for myself. When I do my 10 minute rehab walk, I listen to an audio book. I continue to listen to it until it's time to do something else (lunch, or dinner). 

Still tired, as sleep is touch and go, but when I do sleep well, it's either 5 hours or 10. IF it's 10 hours I do wake up refreshed.  This means I have to go to bed fairly early so Alan and Wing can get their "let's play with the cats on the bed, and talk to mom.".  At least they get the message when I get ready to put on my sleep mask.

55 minutes and one day later

It was a very deep, gut punch session with D.  She did say that it's very common for people who are depressed to get worse. The challenge for me is how much worse.

I told her this Helliday season was the worst since the year I became an only child, because at least I had my family around me, and did feel as if I was alone in a crowd, as I felt this year.  Wing apologized for me not being happy. It's not his job to do that, and it's what's going on in me, not him. 

I talked with Alan over lunch, and it felt good to talk to member of the family, without judgment.  No one saying "Oh, you just got the blues."

Brain-fog is a real thing

And not only does it make you feel that everything around you dull and colorless. Thinks you have to do sink into that fog, and you're constantly chastising yourself for not remembering, or remembering too late to do something.  So, I put reminders and clues that certain things need to be done (floral arrangement for my mother's birthday, pet insurance for Drax, printing out test results etc etc)

Part of the problem is that I am tired all the time. Hoping the test results result in doctor actually doing something, instead of just say "lose weight" (which I am already doing)

A pinch of this, a shake of that. The recipe for the Chemical Experiment that is my life

Dr F, after questioning and discussion, has changed my prescriptions and dosage.  She commended me about my ‘self-weaning’ from 6 lorazepam a day (two tablets, 3 times a day) to three tablets a day, to two.  She asked me to continue reduction by .5 (IOWs cut pills in half, and have one and a half tablets a day.  Then one cut in half per day. She did tell me if I start having the dystonic seizures at any reduction, increase dosage to previous reduction.

So, along with the above, I take Lyrica and duloxetine for nerve pain, Naproxen for acute arthritis pain, Metformin for hypothyroid related issues, Thyroxine and Tertroxin for thyroid function.

The new chemical in the mix: Prazosin.

Prazosin is prescribed "off label" to treat the severe nightmares and other sleep disturbances related to PTSD, meaning that it has not been approved by the Food and Drug Administration for that use. But doctors can legally prescribe any treatment they deem appropriate for a patient's condition. Prazosin is the most thoroughly studied drug in regard to PTSD and sleep among the class of medications known as alpha-1 blockers. In addition to preventing nightmares and insomnia, it can help improve overall symptoms, such as flashbacks, startle response, and irritability or anger, and it can be taken with an antidepressant.

I am hoping that the changes will improve things. Note I didn’t type “fix things” or make it all better?  I want an improvement.

Stay tuned!

Yesterdays session with counselor:

Difficult to put into words. I discussed somethings, and as much as D agreed with my assertiveness, my choice of homilies could be different. Part of my problem is I don't have much control over much, but what I *do* have control over, I keep getting offers of help which I don't need, but when I *do* need help, it's nowhere to be found.

Conundrum, yes?

Also, things that have become habit. Have to find a way to break some of those. I do have a quick wit, and sometimes inappropriate repartee' . (Like after I was finished doing something I did need help with, that it was KNOWN I need help with, I had someone pop into the room. I said "Fashionably late again?". *sheepish shrug*)

Also, people asking me to do things, or be there for them. I'm having a hard enough time keeping my own socks pulled up, without pulling up theirs.

I made big mistake today, though. I watched the news. Stress causes the hemidystonia seizures. Hearing that the fucking moron in the oval office has reignited the nuclear arms race by backing out of the Non Proliferation Treaty Pres Reagan signed with Russia... my right leg and arm started twitching. I turned it off right away, but the information is still in my brain. Is that orange reject from a circus trying to get everyone killed?

Yesterday with counselor

I'm not going to say it's all weeping, or thrashing about, sometimes, there is humor involved. 

I had a questionnaire thing to fill out.  They were all multiple choice, three choices.  Never, sometimes, and always.

I got to one of the questions, and none of them actually fit. So, I wrote in the word OFTEN and circled it.  And on another part about being superstitions (believing in magic or other supernatural things)  I wrote "Abracadabara"  and the word NO underneath it.

Then we got down to the brass tacks.  D did agree that my childhood ticked off all the "at risk of" (insert drug abuse, alcoholism, self harm, abusive etc etc) but I surprisingly came through it without being any of them.  Some people will just shrug and think that's no big deal, but it is.  It made me strong, and stronger than most.  Put it this way, my first husband was a controlling abusive SOB. He put his hands on me ONCE in anger, and he bullied my youngest son, and that was it!

I left... packed three suitcases, and my young son, and we were out of there.  I was so sick of his whining, I cut him the check to pay to file for no fault divorce.   A lot of abused partners/wives/husbands stay because they're too afraid to leave.

Was I scared? Yes, but I did it. I won't let ANYONE abuse me the way he did.

I still have depression, it hasn't gone away.  But I find reasons to enjoy life. I will go out of my way to do so.