Counselor and Physio a bit worried about me

Because of circumstances mostly beyond my control (neighbor selling house to move to east coast to be closer to elderly parents) and from me no longer begging family in the U.S. for some form of communication (email, text message, even a FB message) I have become very isolated. I can't talk to Wing and Alan about it, because that leads to them hovering and giving me no peace.

Am I lonely? Crushingly so, but outwardly you can't tell. I put on the socially correct face and attitude. I've actually gotten really good at it.

Yesterday was Halloween

And I went to my counseling session dressed as Queen Victoria, the widow years.  And yes, they let me go home. I kind of staggered off to bed, and I was so wrung out, I didn't hear the purr kids' morning antics, and slept through. Wing said I was deeply asleep.

Getting some light chores done, including clean sheets on the bed. I can't wait to be the first person in bed, to feel those lusciously sensuous sheets. Mmmmmm.

Tomorrow, I go to the hospital to have an endoscopic exam. It's more of an exploration to see why I have painful esophageal spasm (feels like a heart attack) that lasts for anywhere from 10 to 30 seconds.  When it's over I get the hiccups.  Dr H thinks it might be scarring, but have to be sur

You know those clothes you say

You'd never be caught dead in?  Well, I have some like that. More like had.  Been throwing them out bit by bit.  Been replacing them with thing I can actually wear. And wear out in public.

Al least I can say if I am caught dead in something I'm wearing, it will at least look good-ish

Back, I say, back!

I have beaten the black beast of depression back a bit.  The hellidays being over had helped immensely.  I still have depression, and seeing the appropriate people regarding it, but it doesn't feel like it's on a runaway, downhill rollercoaster ride to hell. 

I've been taking a little time for myself. When I do my 10 minute rehab walk, I listen to an audio book. I continue to listen to it until it's time to do something else (lunch, or dinner). 

Still tired, as sleep is touch and go, but when I do sleep well, it's either 5 hours or 10. IF it's 10 hours I do wake up refreshed.  This means I have to go to bed fairly early so Alan and Wing can get their "let's play with the cats on the bed, and talk to mom.".  At least they get the message when I get ready to put on my sleep mask.

Was getting ready for the day

Which includes session with my counselor, and had included session with Simon the Sadist. His session has been rescheduled at Wing 's convenience.

But as I was getting ready, I heard a slight scrabbling in the back of the closet. I irrationally looked at the Keito cuddle clone, looked back at where the noise was coming from, said his name and the clothing started to part. I have to admit for the briefest of moments, my illogical brain thought Keito was coming out from beneath the hanging clothes.  It wasn't of course, it was Groo-bear. I looked back at the cuddle clone, and burst into quiet tears. Quiet because if I make so much as a peep, I get helicoptered.

Stayed in room for about 15 minutes. It's been not even 4 years since an arrogant vet gave me the wrong instructions, even though I had asked him more than twice "Are you sure?"

Façade of sanity re-establish, but the shell is thin. Very thin

Every time I think about calling it quits

Something small, probably insignificant to everyone else in the world, happens.  Maybe it's seeing a bird singing his heart out at the start of the day.  The smell of something in bloom. My cat Loki climbing up for a cuddle

I made it through the hell that's called "The Holidays". It's so hard to keep a happy smiling demeanor plastered on my face, or the look of interest in what someone is talking about.

It's fucking hard. But at least the stress of November through December social shit is over. I need to decompress. I need to sleep. I need to talk to someone who won't dismiss my feelings and mental state as 'just the blues'.  If I have the blues, their fucking indigo.

I *was* feeling somewhat better

Referring to the depression and self-loathing.  After having my session with counselor, AND the appointment and discussion with Dr N regarding my not being able to lose weight, and the solution, I was feeling optimistic, even happy.

The around comes Sunday lunch with MiL.  I didn't eat much of my noodle dish, brought most of it home in a container.  But as we were getting ready to leave, I could hear the man and his woman/partner/wife talking behind me.

"Oy, look at the size of that one. Be careful, she might sit on you."  I turn around and he and his woman are looking me up and down, laughing.  I so wanted to go up to him and say "Like YOU'RE some fucking prize.", but good manners won out and I just had Wing get me out of there as fast as I could go, because I wasn't going to let those two rude pieces of shit see me cry.

Current mood: Depressed.

I survived the weekend

Now I get to muddle through the weekdays.  That's not to say it's going to be all bad. I have some optimism.  There are so many idiotic anti-vaxxers that keep holding super spreader event.

The kittens have grown so much. Drax is almost Loki's shoulder height. That's what Wing get for uttering the curse "He will never get as big as Loki." Groo is also packing on the ounces.  He passed pounds a few weeks ago.  They are both growing to be sweet, friendly, beautiful kitties.

I haven't been stir crazy like others have. Might have something to do with my knee not being fully functional, making walking an unpleasant past time. Filling my time watching really cheesy movies. Binge watched "The Witcher" season 2.  Also watched some thing on National Geographic channel.  And to those assholes that killed that lion pride that were in the national park/reserve, including 8 cubs, may your precious cows sicken and die.

I tried watching comedy, but the people were like automatons for me. Almost like really crappy CGI.  So, sticking to sloppy movies, that didn't even make it to cinemas.  A few of them were actually ok. Who would have thunk it?

Time might keep slipping into the future

But I seem to stuck in neutral.

Next episode of what passes as my life

Yesterday, I saw Mr. S, the osteo surgeon who replaced my worn out right knee.  The right knee replacement is great, and even though I still have some pain from the operated on compartment syndrome, all is ok with it.

Left knee..  *sigh*  bends back and forth ok, but it also moves left to right too easily.  That means the osteo-arthritis is getting worse, and I'm losing knee stability.  And today, unlike other times, my left knee fekking HURTS.  Have compression/support bandage on it.  Between that and pain meds, I'm able to walk somewhat normally.  I did have to order another compression bandage, as the velcro on the one I'm using is worn out and tends to let go.  So, the time of LTKR is coming closer. Just not yet.

Today was appointment with D, my counselor.  Because of pain meds, I was all over the place.  But I was able to focus on the one thing that is stressing me out;  tomorrow, Trance and Loki get home visit by the vet, and Loki gets boxed up to get his teeth cleaned. He really needs it, as he has really bad breath.  If the vet that gave wrong advise that caused Keito's death shows up, I will show him the door.  Call out fee be damned.

Also, discussed the possibility of getting another purrkid.  She said the way we love animals, and how much they mean to us, there is probably no way we won't, when we're heart healed and read, get another rescue or two.  I personally would love a 'house panther', or maybe a bonded pair looking to be re-homed together.  Just not yet... not ready. I, and Loki, are still in mourning over Keito's sudden death.

Yesterday with counselor

I'm not going to say it's all weeping, or thrashing about, sometimes, there is humor involved. 

I had a questionnaire thing to fill out.  They were all multiple choice, three choices.  Never, sometimes, and always.

I got to one of the questions, and none of them actually fit. So, I wrote in the word OFTEN and circled it.  And on another part about being superstitions (believing in magic or other supernatural things)  I wrote "Abracadabara"  and the word NO underneath it.

Then we got down to the brass tacks.  D did agree that my childhood ticked off all the "at risk of" (insert drug abuse, alcoholism, self harm, abusive etc etc) but I surprisingly came through it without being any of them.  Some people will just shrug and think that's no big deal, but it is.  It made me strong, and stronger than most.  Put it this way, my first husband was a controlling abusive SOB. He put his hands on me ONCE in anger, and he bullied my youngest son, and that was it!

I left... packed three suitcases, and my young son, and we were out of there.  I was so sick of his whining, I cut him the check to pay to file for no fault divorce.   A lot of abused partners/wives/husbands stay because they're too afraid to leave.

Was I scared? Yes, but I did it. I won't let ANYONE abuse me the way he did.

I still have depression, it hasn't gone away.  But I find reasons to enjoy life. I will go out of my way to do so.

Holiday Cheer?

I'm trying to get into it, I really am. But it's more stressful than cheerful. I miss being around family. I know I have Wing and Alan here, but there's Paul and the children, my cousin Mark, Marilyn and Rob... I miss my Aunt Elnore, and Uncle Al.

I probably wouldn't be feeling as bummed out if things had gone differently this year, but for me, I can't wait until it's back to business as usual. And business wasn't so great, but there wasn't all this saccharine smiling going on all the time.

Mini Whine

For the past several years, I seems to be in a constant state of 'recovering' from something or another.  And I'm so tired of it.  Recovered (and rehab) from a spinal fusion, recovery from gall bladder surgery, non- recovery from hyper extended knee, recovering from a mass removed from my back and the time it took for it close up,  recovering from total knee replacement surgery, recovering from a car accident, recovering from pneumonia. 

Sunday, a root canaled tooth sheered off, and I had to have the roots removed as it couldn't be repaired. Now recovering from tooth extraction, and look like a chipmunk on one side of my face and it hurts like hell.

Oh, not to mention the FND still throwing out the occasional seizure.

I'm tired. I'm tired of not being able to DO.  I'm tired of being afraid to move as it could (and often did) trigger a seizure. I'm tired of the pain, but I can pretty much deal with that, but it's EVERYWHERE lately.  And I'm tired of having to stay medicated to make some pretense at living.

RIP Robin Williams. Be at Peace, and thank you for what you gave us.

I had hoped when I heard this, that it was a hoax. But it's not.

Actor, comedian, genius.... the black dog got him. The world world has lost one of its brightest lights, and we are lessened for it.
My condolences to all who loved him, his family, friends, the world.