Back, I say, back!

I have beaten the black beast of depression back a bit.  The hellidays being over had helped immensely.  I still have depression, and seeing the appropriate people regarding it, but it doesn't feel like it's on a runaway, downhill rollercoaster ride to hell. 

I've been taking a little time for myself. When I do my 10 minute rehab walk, I listen to an audio book. I continue to listen to it until it's time to do something else (lunch, or dinner). 

Still tired, as sleep is touch and go, but when I do sleep well, it's either 5 hours or 10. IF it's 10 hours I do wake up refreshed.  This means I have to go to bed fairly early so Alan and Wing can get their "let's play with the cats on the bed, and talk to mom.".  At least they get the message when I get ready to put on my sleep mask.

55 minutes and one day later

It was a very deep, gut punch session with D.  She did say that it's very common for people who are depressed to get worse. The challenge for me is how much worse.

I told her this Helliday season was the worst since the year I became an only child, because at least I had my family around me, and did feel as if I was alone in a crowd, as I felt this year.  Wing apologized for me not being happy. It's not his job to do that, and it's what's going on in me, not him. 

I talked with Alan over lunch, and it felt good to talk to member of the family, without judgment.  No one saying "Oh, you just got the blues."

Was getting ready for the day

Which includes session with my counselor, and had included session with Simon the Sadist. His session has been rescheduled at Wing 's convenience.

But as I was getting ready, I heard a slight scrabbling in the back of the closet. I irrationally looked at the Keito cuddle clone, looked back at where the noise was coming from, said his name and the clothing started to part. I have to admit for the briefest of moments, my illogical brain thought Keito was coming out from beneath the hanging clothes.  It wasn't of course, it was Groo-bear. I looked back at the cuddle clone, and burst into quiet tears. Quiet because if I make so much as a peep, I get helicoptered.

Stayed in room for about 15 minutes. It's been not even 4 years since an arrogant vet gave me the wrong instructions, even though I had asked him more than twice "Are you sure?"

Façade of sanity re-establish, but the shell is thin. Very thin

Every time I think about calling it quits

Something small, probably insignificant to everyone else in the world, happens.  Maybe it's seeing a bird singing his heart out at the start of the day.  The smell of something in bloom. My cat Loki climbing up for a cuddle

I made it through the hell that's called "The Holidays". It's so hard to keep a happy smiling demeanor plastered on my face, or the look of interest in what someone is talking about.

It's fucking hard. But at least the stress of November through December social shit is over. I need to decompress. I need to sleep. I need to talk to someone who won't dismiss my feelings and mental state as 'just the blues'.  If I have the blues, their fucking indigo.

New and Improved?

Once again, I tried Topaz Labs. They have come out with "New and improved" versions of their AI software. I coughed up the money, and 'renewed' my yearly plan (not going to renew it again, for reasons that will follow.) But I was willing to give it another shot.

I loaded an Olympus ORF file into Topaz DeNoise. It did ok, but left the image kind of dull and flat. So, I closed that, and opened Topaz Sharpen AI, opened the same ORF file. It does have a rudimentary denoise function. But the finished results again were lacking.

To use the Topaz software, you need to open them in another program, adjust exposure, then use one Topaz plugin after another. And although you can get good results, the Sharpen AI takes a long time (6 minutes).   

On1 NoNoise 23: opened the same Olympus ORF file in NoNoise. Not only was I able to remove the noise, but I could also sharpen the image at the same time. And it was finished in about 30 seconds.  If I want to have even more editing, I could open file in On1PhotoRaw, get it all done in about a minute.

On1 for the win, again

Due to early intervention with marvellous anti-virals

The worst of COVID-19 has passed in a week. The worst it got with me was an upper respiratory issue. I got a set of sore ribs, and sore abdomen from the coughing, but now, other than that first 'icky' cough in the morning, I'm feeling mostly well.

I get tired easily, and am noticeably short of breath, have a bit of 'brain fog', but well enough to be discharged from the WA Covid care nurse daily call. I'm still self-isolating, even from Alan and Wing.

I caught Covid, but because I was double vaxxed, and had boosters, it was no where as bad as it could be. I really feel sorry for people that didn't have them and got sick. I remember watching videos of anti-vaxxers begging their family and friends to get vaccinated after they caught it. I'm not one of them, and I am grateful and relieved.

Dear universe, short of death, are you going to let up on me anytime soon?

Collapsed disc, mass removed from back, right knee replacement, car accident, pneumonia, seizures, compartment syndrome, left knee inverted, left knee replacement.

Now fucking COVID?! I was just starting to get to the point I could get around without cane or crutches, and I get Covid.

Is it any wonder I've got depression and PTSD?!  Seriously, enough for a while. Please.

p.s.  I've been coughing a lot, so if you see a spleen or kidney wandering on by, please tell them to come home?