I have some things to give away

If you want to get out of the open sewer that Twitter has become, 3 invite codes for Bluesky.  I have found Bluesky to be what Twitter used to be before that jackass Elon took over.

You want invite code, send me a message.

Yesterday was Halloween

And I went to my counseling session dressed as Queen Victoria, the widow years.  And yes, they let me go home. I kind of staggered off to bed, and I was so wrung out, I didn't hear the purr kids' morning antics, and slept through. Wing said I was deeply asleep.

Getting some light chores done, including clean sheets on the bed. I can't wait to be the first person in bed, to feel those lusciously sensuous sheets. Mmmmmm.

Tomorrow, I go to the hospital to have an endoscopic exam. It's more of an exploration to see why I have painful esophageal spasm (feels like a heart attack) that lasts for anywhere from 10 to 30 seconds.  When it's over I get the hiccups.  Dr H thinks it might be scarring, but have to be sur

I guess I don't bounce back like I used to

I'm still getting so tired after doing the simplest of tasks.  Even taking a shower and getting dressed makes me feel as if I am in need of a good nights' sleep, starting before noon.  Nagging cough hasn't quite gone away.

In better news, Isis has settled right in. She makes the boy's lives a bit more.. umm active, they being the dignified 3 yr olds. She trills at them, rolls over, and tries to get them to interact. And when they ignore her overtures, she waits, and then elegantly drapes herself on their back as they walk by. She's a black cat, so she goes with all varieties of cats. :D

Who would've thunk it?

I found a great use for all the excess hand sanitizer. Get a small microfiber cloth, squirt some on it,  make sure the cloth is damp with it.

If your computer is on, open notepad and close everything else. Maximize note pad, and start cleaning.  It's easier if your computer is off, but with notepad on you can actually see which keys get used the most.

The simplest thing tires me out

I really don't know how much longer I'm going to be on antibiotics, but I am well and truly tired of taking them three times a day. Using the inhaler makes me dizzy, because you have to hold your breath between the two doses. And ick. And I'm not kidding about how tired I am. I took a slurp of coffee, and before I swallowed it, I fell asleep. It's just a damned good thing my choking reflex is good or I would have inhaled some.

Isis has found the best spot to catch some ray to solar charge. The telescope box next to the antique altar table. Even on a cloudy day, she can catch some UV to warm her up.

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The simplest thing tires me out

category: illness, health, isis, kitten

I really don't know how much longer I'm going to be on antibiotics, but
I am well and truly tired of taking them three times a day.  Using the
inhaler makes me dizzy, because you have to hold your breath between the
two doses.  And ick.  And I'm not kidding about how tired I am. I took a
slurp of coffee, and before I swallowed it, I fell asleep. It's just a
damned good thing my choking reflex is good or I would have inhaled some.

Isis has found the best spot to catch some ray to solar charge. The
telescope box next to the antique altar table.  Even on a cloudy day,
she can catch some UV to warm her up.

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Not too much happening

Still recovering from upper respiratory infection. I don't mind taking the antibiotics, but that steroid inhaler makes everything taste funny, even if I rinse and brush.

Been thinking at lot about Loki. I miss him so much, but I'm so grateful that the last few weeks, he would seek me out, and I would make a blanket bed on my desk for him, or he would snug up to my leg on the footstool. I think he was seeking me out for whatever comfort as only his human could give him. 

I'm still having trouble reconciling a otherwise healthy cat getting oral cancer.  But I knew on that day, I had to let him go, no matter how much heartache it gave me.

I remember telling him, when I first picked him up at Cat Haven, some day you're going to break my heart.

Ok, let's see if this works

I have followed the instructions that Typepad support gave me, regarding
being able to use a '3rd party' program, rather than posting via their
webpage.

I know this works for WordPress. Not too sure about Blogger. Posting a
blog entry should not be so laborious!

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Posting an entry to your blog shouldn't be a chore

For years, I have more than one (long story that, but it boils down to I have some people I keep in touch with each one) and I had been using Semagic to post to all of them by clicking on "Post entry".

But programmer stopped updating Semagic, WordPress changed their api, and blogger did something else, and Typepad also changed, so I used Windows Live Writer. Worked great, but then MS decided to not update it, and it stopped working on the three blogs mentioned above.

Then came Open Live Writer. It worked great for years, and still does, but now TypePad intermittently blocks it for 'security reasons'?  

Until Typepad gets their sh*t together, it's not going to see much posting from me. (I might end up copying and pasting this to TypePad, but not gonna hold my breath as do whether or not they get their collective shit together.

I know it's part of recovering

But I went from a chest ripping, rib cracking, choking cough that needed antibiotics and a steroid inhaler, to a nagging 'get that crap up and out' cough that leaves me just as exhausted.

On the 'silver lining' aspect: Wing and Alan are out of the house, having lunch with MiL. I'm having a bit of peace and quiet, and no helicoptering.

It's been a crap week

Last Sunday, when walking around a corner to MiL's favorite noodle house, I walked into a thick cloud of cigarette smoke. In one day, I went from an asthmatic with seasonal allergies to having a severe upper respiratory infection.  The high fever gave me something else, too, but hey, gotta keep something out of the public.

Of course, my GP Dr H was on vaycay (Grand Finals) and I couldn't get an appointment with the doc covering his patients.

I put a call out to the group mind, aka Facebook, to ask what to do.  And I got results. Doctor's on Demand. Only irritation I had was I paid for a 15 min video consultation, and got a 4 min 15 second phone call.  Regardless, I did get the needed antibiotics, and BONUS! a steroid inhaler.

I am feel physically better (still coughing, but no blood anymore), but I also at the same time feel so much pain. This is the first time I have been seriously ill and not have Loki there with me.  I haven't been able to rest/sleep during the day, because he isn't there. He would curl up next to or on me, emitting a low rumbling purr until I fell asleep. He would be there when I woke up. Wing and Alan keep telling me to go take a nap, and I just put on the proper face, smile and say not sleepy. I run myself into exhaustion so when I do go to bed, the pain because of the empty place where he should be fades. Only to have to go through it again another day.

I got an email from PRA

They informed me that Isis' sibling, who was adopted 4 weeks before we got Isis, died of FIP and Isis might have been exposed.
This is not the kind of news one wants to hear.

Especially after making an appointment for our vet to give her a once over, and have her vaxxes recorded there. Isis was her wriggly squirming self when I told the vet about the possible exposure to the feline corona virus which can develop into FIP. Some blood was taken (*that's another horror story in itself) after putting her in a "twilight sleep" via 'The Box", because she wriggled too much.

Got a phone call from the vet this morning that the testing lab said there is no way to text for feline corona virus, and that typically a positive FIP test comes from testing the fluid in a distended/swollen abdomen.  And with the way Isis was so bright, squirmy, wriggly, trilling, if she was exposed the same time her sibling was, she would have had symptoms by now. All is well.

*The horror story: while waiting in the vet's waiting room, a nurse comes out, thrusting this limp, head drooped, tongue hanging out, floppy thing that was supposed to be Isis at me. No pet carrier, just the above.

I swear, I stopped breathing for a few minutes. I saw her head rear back, eyes unfocused. I 'curled' her up, and held her firmly.
 
Turns out there was an emergency in the back, and they had to do a resuscitation. She started coming to, and she had claws out. We got our pet carrier back, and Wing managed to get her back into it, and she recovered from the "Twilight sleep".

We went and did it

 I saw this perfect little void floof/house panther.  She isn't a replacement for Loki. Even my counselor said getting her was a good move, as she in no way resembled any of our previous moggies.

Her name: Her rescue name was "Gladys". No, thank you. I had considered calling her Bastet. But reconsidered because of how anyone with Aussie accent would say that name. It would sound like how Aussies say "Bastard" (BAHsted)  So, I selected a different Egyptian goddess' name with a strong Ess sound.

Isis. And she already responds to it. She is a beautiful melanistic tabby. But we will just say black cat.

I knew it was bound to happen

And it did, last night.

We had our first feline interloper in our back yard last night. It walked around the back yard, unchallenged. Without the voice of Loki, Lord of the Manor, and his scent lessened, if not totally washed away by the recent rain, it was bound to happen.

I just didn't know it would be so soon.

It’s been too quiet

Loki's absence is truly felt. No snoring which could be heard from across the room. No rumbling purr. Even the kittens (who aren't really kittens anymore) aren't as vocal.  They keep looking for him. I know how they feel.

I have Loki's urn on my desk, slightly in the way of viewing my monitor, in keeping with how he would do so in life.

I miss my constant companion. I miss my left leg being warmed by him laying against it, resting his head on my shin. I miss shutting things down, and looking over to him and saying "I'm going to bed. You coming?" and him getting up and following me.

More that i miss:

His night time snuggling/cuddling.
Him head-butting my hand in the morning, followed by using his head to shove my sleep mask off.
Meowing and snogging my ear and nose to get me up in the morning.
Following me around for my daily walk outside.
Keeping me company when I did some gardening.

Loki, I will forever miss you in my life.

The Lord of the Manor has passed

Loki, my beautiful cat, has crossed the rainbow bridge. We took him to the vet this evening, in hopes that some antibiotics and pain meds would ease his discomfort for a little while longer, but alas, that wasn't meant to be.

The cancer had spread very rapidly and was now over the back of his tongue. It was only because I asked him that he ate yesterday. That was his last 'rally'. The sarcoma was not only infected by necrotic. All there would be left for Loki was slow, painful starvation. I made the decision, as much as my heart and soul screamed for me to take him home with me just for a few more days.

We were given a room. I combed him into blissful relaxation, and waved for the vet to enter when she ever so gently knocked.  The 'sleep' shot... it wasn't even halfway emptied and his head fell into my hand. I cupped it until the rest of it was injected. 

He has no more pain now, but I am shattered.  I want my imperious Lord of the Manor, on my desk, demanding to be brushed. 

If only love could actually have healed.

I did a bit of reading

I read that mini series on Apple+ was an Apple+ original.

I read what the mini series was and said Whohuhwha?

Said Apple+ Original was the same thing I had watched on Curiosity stream.

That's not very Apple+ original to me. How about you?

And the universe winds up, and throws another curveball

I can understand why I wasn't told earlier.  Seems my neighbors who were renting their house 'for a while' won't be coming back to Perth. There have already been realtors bugging Robin about letting someone have a walk through. I understand why, but hey, I am going to have a selfish moment and have a bit of a sob-fest.

I've lost all my friends in the U.S., I guess it's time for the ones in Australia to slowly fade away.

Pardon me, I will be the quivering ball of hopeless humanity in the corner.

You know those clothes you say

You'd never be caught dead in?  Well, I have some like that. More like had.  Been throwing them out bit by bit.  Been replacing them with thing I can actually wear. And wear out in public.

Al least I can say if I am caught dead in something I'm wearing, it will at least look good-ish

Isn't that just dandy

LiveJournal doesn't allow photo uploads to photostream via Semagic or Open Live Writer anymore.  And if you link a photograph in from a different blog, the colors are so washed out and dingy, they look like shit.

I can understand why a Russia owned blogging site will no longer allow uploads via 3rd party blogging software, but when I uploaded a photo to LJs photostream, and it turned out having the same washed out colors, it seems they don't want any photos uploaded?

Trance is gone.

Vet said it looks as if she had a new hemangiosarcoma mass in her liver that ruptured, and she bled internally. We were told this might happen, and we wouldn't know until it was too late. We didn't know. And it was too late.

Photo taken two days ago.

Rest in the arms of Bast.

I had to call South Street Vet.

Loki got a bit of food stuck on his back teeth, and bit down, biting his tongue. Yes, it bled.  Then I noticed he's sneezing, and checked him. Sure enough, the yearly sinus infection.

Dr M answered the phone, and I described what had happened, and thankfully, he understood my not wanting to stress Loki out any more than necessary.  Have new meds waiting for him.  

I know everything we're doing for him is in 'the short term', but at 16 years old, everything is in the short term.

I know this sounds gross, but it works.

If because of over load of drool because of the medication, or just difficultly in his picking up something to eat, I dump the bits of beef into a paper towel, and blot the slobber off of them, and wipe dish, replace beef bits and he eats them all. And Dr M did say the length of time left is linked to his being able to eat.  #felinecancersucks

Pardon me if this post is a tad rambling

Or sort of incoherent.

Three days ago, my left calf, and behind my knee, and hamstring, and my annoying fused back started hurting a lot. I wasn't worried, because I had an upcoming visit with the physio, "Simon The Sadist" for a session.

To say my physio session rushed would be an understatement.  Yes, they were trying to clear up all clients before the up coming long holiday, and he, personally, was taking some time off. Good for him, but I felt I had been given the bums' rush. And I was charged $61 for the privilege.

Today, when I got up, I was in worse shape than I was BEFORE session. Tried to do some of my rehab exercises, and for all my efforts, I almost fell over, my knee kept giving out. I left comment on the "PhyApp" regarding it.. before I took something for the pain. Meds I haven't had to use October last year.

Yes, I hurt that f*cking much. With better living through (legal) chemistry, the acute pain is now just a dull ache. I can deal with that.

I feel as if I have been awake for days

It was an emotional day. We found out that Meloxicam is Loki's best course at this time. It will reduce the swelling of the ulcer, and kill the pain.  It's working if his wanting to be fed several times a day since being on a regular dose schedule. He's also been climbing up on me for a cuddle, which he hadn't done in weeks.

I had been holding it together since Loki's cancer diagnosis. I lost that 'tough stuff' shell yesterday. Just saying his name and the tears started. Once they started, it was really difficult to get them under control, so I didn't try. My body feel so sore. Amazing how much of your musculature is involved in crying.

That's about all. I am going to take it easy today. Not that I really have a choice. Just doing the dishes makes me want to take a nap

What a difference just one second makes

I went to chop up Loki's food, as his gums are still sore from the dental scaling. Put the cat food in the receptacle, applied stick blender,  but just for one second longer than needed.  It turn the cubes of cat food into mush. Oops

So, that means one of two things:

1: Beef is tough

2: Turkey is more tender.

The shock of Loki's cancer diagnosis has passed... sort of

We can't go reading more than what is normal cat behavior as something nefarious. 

Yes, we knew at 16 years old, our time with Loki is limited, but we didn't expect the time to be so cruelly pushed forward in such a manner.  The thing is, he doesn't know he's ill. And for as long as he is not in pain, still doing all things a cat does, he will be loved and cared for.

Anyone with a pet knows that someday, that pet will break their hearts. I even said it to "Arty" (his name before he earned his name) when I first cradled him in my arms. "One day, you're going to break my heart."  Not broken yet, but there are cracks. And they hurt.

I think we might be living over a radioactive site

I bring Loki to the vet for a dental scaling, and am rewarded with the knowledge that he has aggressive non-squamous cell cancer under his tongue, not just an infected cut as the vet thought it was.

I am fucking gutted over this.  Yes, I know Loki is 16 years old, but he is HEALTHY. Heart, lungs, kidneys, liver, all the things that are supposed to start failing are as healthy as a 10 year old cat. What's the fucking good of being healthy?

I have no idea how the young'uns are going to handle it. Groo and Drax have glommed onto Loki, as he has never done anything to hurt them, and has even licked their faces clean. 

Dr M said it's just bad luck to have 4 cats, with 4 different kinds of terminal cancer.

We will have to play this by ear. Since this tumor can't be totally removed, how about removing part of it when it makes eating difficult?  I know that would be a stop gap, but as long as he's eating, sleeping, grooming, purring, just being a cat, I want to give him as much quality time as I can, and me enough time to try to come to terms with this... if I ever will.

Loki is getting mellow in his old age

I had to move, lift, throw away some things in my office, and then vacuumed the floor, including taking the head off the vacuum and getting all the fur and smut off the cables, wires, and even the vents on the computer.

What does Loki do? Follows the vacuum head all over the room, even when I have it powered up. He the complained/meowed at me, looking around, all but saying "Put my stuff back.", which I did.

The second I sat down, Drax and Groo went dashing out of the room. Loki jumped up on the footstool demanding treats.

Yes, I am ruled by cats.

An addendum: I already hurt like hell from yesterdays' activities, so figured moving my chair, putting footstool on the sofa, lifting padded cat box to the top of the tower, and putting cat pad (formerly my seat cushion) in order to clean out my office of cat fur, dust and the stuff you get from regular foot traffic off the floor, wouldn't make me feel any worse.

Really, DeSantis

A bill has been introduced that blogs must register to write about DeSantis?

Really? He wants a list of people who write about his asinine feud with Disney which makes the tax payers pick up the tax burden. Disney has/had their own infrastructure, their own utilities, had their own police and fire departments.

His abuse of power, using government office to dictate what adults can or can't study in colleges/universities in Florida.

Ron DeSantis is a two-faced, backflipping, bald-faced liar. And in my opinion, he is also a colossal asshole.

And I am not going to register.  FOAD, Ronny boy. FOAD.

Go ahead, I dare you

I dare you to tell me doing household chores isn't a work out.

It's started with me making a clean spot. I vacuumed the dust and dirt (cat fur mostly) from my keyboard, mouse pad/armrest and monitors. Then I cleaned the rest of my desk.

It led to me vacuuming off the sofa, the cat tower/scratch post.  And the floor, after I moved things.  I put those things back where they belonged.

Then the bedroom. Stripping and remaking a queen sized bed had me panting for breath, and feeling quite physically tired by the time I was done.

Time for a cup of tea

I'm too old for sudden gymnastics

Water from helping Wing take a shower (he had surgery on his right hand) made its way under the rubber backed bathmat. I didn't notice that water had made it's way under the bathmat.

I walked in as usual, left foot lead, stepping on bathmat which sudden slid forward, and I found myself doing a 'split'.  I managed to stop the downward momentum by grabbing the shower wall, and the vanity top.

I bent both knees and stood up carefully.  Everything seemed ok.

Until this morning. Left leg only hurts when I move it. 

Umm, ow.

Back, I say, back!

I have beaten the black beast of depression back a bit.  The hellidays being over had helped immensely.  I still have depression, and seeing the appropriate people regarding it, but it doesn't feel like it's on a runaway, downhill rollercoaster ride to hell. 

I've been taking a little time for myself. When I do my 10 minute rehab walk, I listen to an audio book. I continue to listen to it until it's time to do something else (lunch, or dinner). 

Still tired, as sleep is touch and go, but when I do sleep well, it's either 5 hours or 10. IF it's 10 hours I do wake up refreshed.  This means I have to go to bed fairly early so Alan and Wing can get their "let's play with the cats on the bed, and talk to mom.".  At least they get the message when I get ready to put on my sleep mask.

55 minutes and one day later

It was a very deep, gut punch session with D.  She did say that it's very common for people who are depressed to get worse. The challenge for me is how much worse.

I told her this Helliday season was the worst since the year I became an only child, because at least I had my family around me, and did feel as if I was alone in a crowd, as I felt this year.  Wing apologized for me not being happy. It's not his job to do that, and it's what's going on in me, not him. 

I talked with Alan over lunch, and it felt good to talk to member of the family, without judgment.  No one saying "Oh, you just got the blues."

Was getting ready for the day

Which includes session with my counselor, and had included session with Simon the Sadist. His session has been rescheduled at Wing 's convenience.

But as I was getting ready, I heard a slight scrabbling in the back of the closet. I irrationally looked at the Keito cuddle clone, looked back at where the noise was coming from, said his name and the clothing started to part. I have to admit for the briefest of moments, my illogical brain thought Keito was coming out from beneath the hanging clothes.  It wasn't of course, it was Groo-bear. I looked back at the cuddle clone, and burst into quiet tears. Quiet because if I make so much as a peep, I get helicoptered.

Stayed in room for about 15 minutes. It's been not even 4 years since an arrogant vet gave me the wrong instructions, even though I had asked him more than twice "Are you sure?"

Façade of sanity re-establish, but the shell is thin. Very thin

Every time I think about calling it quits

Something small, probably insignificant to everyone else in the world, happens.  Maybe it's seeing a bird singing his heart out at the start of the day.  The smell of something in bloom. My cat Loki climbing up for a cuddle

I made it through the hell that's called "The Holidays". It's so hard to keep a happy smiling demeanor plastered on my face, or the look of interest in what someone is talking about.

It's fucking hard. But at least the stress of November through December social shit is over. I need to decompress. I need to sleep. I need to talk to someone who won't dismiss my feelings and mental state as 'just the blues'.  If I have the blues, their fucking indigo.