(Tune: fairly obvious really, no? Google "Onward Christian Soldiers")
Backward, Christian soldiers,
Backward from my door.
Take your sales pitch elsewhere,
Trouble me no more.
Christ and Hare Krishna,
Also Joseph Smith--
These are merely archetypes
From the realm of myth.
CHORUS
Backward, Christian soldiers,
Backward from my door.
Take your sales pitch elsewhere,
Trouble me no more.
Come no more with leaflets (<--- I particularly like this verse.)
In your outstretched mitt:
Biblical quotations
Neatly trimmed to fit.
Nineteen fourteen was the date
Everything would end.
Now with every passing decade
See the schedule bend.
CHORUS
Tell me, Christian soldier,
Do they pay you well?
Serving God and Mammon,
Saving us from hell?
Do they buy your raincoats?
Do they pay your fare?
Do they buy you fancy cars
To get you here from there?
CHORUS
"Talk about the Bible"?
Oh indeed, let's do.
Many things confuse me:
Do they bug you too?
If the children mock me
For my lack of hairs,
Should I, like Elisha, have them
Eaten up by bears?
CHORUS
When the mob confronts me,
Thus I save my head:
"Here are my young daughters,
Gangbang them instead."
If my foe commands me,
"Tote my bags one mile,"
Two miles should I carry them?
Would that make him smile?
CHORUS
Maybe I've been hasty.
Won't you come inside?
Step around the circle.
'Scuse my naked hide.
Make yourselves quite comfy.
Have a cup of tea:
If it makes you sleepy,
Close your eyes, feel free.
CHORUS
Valiant Christian soldiers,
Stalwarts who believe,
What a double sacrifice
For our Hallows Eve!
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